we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
