You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
