Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize