I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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