hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
