That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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