ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
