I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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