You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
