alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
