i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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