my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
