Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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