i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
