Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
