I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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