Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
