Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
