my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize