i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Help. Why am I so naked?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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