I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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