My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
