On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
