I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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