You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
