I accidentally had phone sex last night
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
