He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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