if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
