I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have aggressive nipples.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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