okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
