Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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