It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
