Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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