she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dicks are not precious.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize