first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
