No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize