Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
do herpes really smell.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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