why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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