Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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