Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
