Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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