youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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