I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
