dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
