I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my poor anus
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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