you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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