So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
