My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize