A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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