U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
