i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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