my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
