I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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