Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
