i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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