but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
