Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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