Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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